Tales of the Incredible Hoke Robertson
A SCIENTIFIC CRITIQUE COMPARING
US NAVY SEAL’s and US ARMY RANGERS
By Lt.Col. Sharles “Smarmy” Smith, (ret.),
PE, MDA, PhuD, OBE(se), DiCK, A-Hole
Like everyone one else, I am sick and tired of hearing stories about the US Navy SEALs. It seems like every day there is some news item about SEALs doing this and SEALs doing that, each time praising their qualities, valor and physical strengths. I’ve been reading newspapers for nearly 55 years and not once have I read an article about how vastly superior I am to everyone else. The SEALs get all the attention, and I get absolutely nothing. What kind of screwed up world is this when someone like me goes virtually un-noticed while the vile, cowardly SEALs get heaped with praise.
As I sit her typing at my computer … wait; I see a tall blond woman with large breaststs walking past my window. Pardon me; I have to make sure my hidden camera is working so I can review the video of her over and over again late tonight. God’s Suspenders!, someone must have bumped the hydrangea plant in the yard where the camera is hidden. All I’m getting from the feed is a friggin’ snail moving across the mow strip. Now what the poopy am I supposed to look at late tonight? Old video? This makes me very angry and I want to break something. Pollywhompers!
Where was I? Oh yeah, those stupid SEALs; what on earth is everyone so impressed with? You know, I went to West Point back in the day when we had to do push-ups over broken glass, lived on a half Rice Crispie per day, and had hand-to-hand combat practice with death row inmates. I’ll bet I killed or mortally wounded at least 13 death row inmates which explains why I am probably the most dangerous person on this planet. After graduating from West Point with a 9.27 GPA and a double doctorate in Quantum Physics and large breaststs, er I mean Psychology (with a concentration in women’s issues) I was chosen to attend Airborne training.
For all you ignorant, useless pukes, Airborne training is NOT learning to fly a plane; that is only for those sissy-boy, namby-pamby good students, with excellent eyesight and reflexes, and who were also good athletes and popular with everyone. NO; Airborne training is where they teach you how to put on a parachute, hook onto a cable and jump OUT OF AN AIRPLANE! The parachute automatically deploys, but the skill and monumental expertise of jumping and falling not only boggles the mind but is far beyond your normal human capabilities. Yes, yes, yes, the SEALs do Airborne training, they also learn how to jump from faster, higher planes, deploy the chutes themselves, land in water, blah, blah, blah; all completely unnecessary show-offy things that merely exemplify their inferiority complexes. True Airborne heroes simply jump, close their eyes and land. Think any of you weenies could do that? Ha!
What is the possible reason God made varying sizes of breaststs? I mean, why not simply make them all huge and pendulous? Think of how human society would be benefitted if only all breaststs were large. I believe I will write up a scientific treatise on this topic tonight at 2 am since there is no new video to watch.
Where was I? Oh yeah. After graduating from Airborne school, I might add that I finished at the top of my class. I might add that but I probably should not as I did not. The rash on my palms I contracted at a strip club prevented me from finishing many of the long runs and hikes, and the drill sergeant apparently was jealous of all the women throwing themselves at me, so my ranking in the class is irrelevant. By the way, I was able to cure my rash by a proper diet and intense and extended sessions of porn video viewing with large doses of Cheetos . Tough duty let me tell you.
After Airborne, I then went to Ranger training. No, not ranger as in Smokey Bear and Booboo you complete idiots; RANGER as in US ARMY RANGERS! For those of you who do not know, the Rangers are the elite of the elite. In order to get in this program you have to be a better person than everyone else, stronger than everyone else, more virile than anyone else and pretty much perfect. This means of course the Ranger program begged me to join. Ranger school was tough let me tell you. We had to get up at 1 am, two hours before we went to bed, run 200 miles with a one ton pack on our backs all before breakfast. Breakfast consisted of dry tree bark, muddy water and arsenic; THEN our training started! You cannot fathom the things we learned! Do any of you pukes know there are little round things with a dial and a pin which always points north??? Yes there are you dumb-shits. I learned to use these things to find my way from one place to another. Try finding some electronic device to do that!
We also learned how to put mud on our faces, hide under leaves and shoot guns! Can you even imagine how clever we Rangers are? WE CAN HIDE UNDER LEAVES WITH GUNS!!!! The most impressive part of our training is what we call “Forethinking Planning.” This type of planning is something that would never occur to you stupid, cowardly, un-American civilians who never ever praise people like me. Using Forethinking Planning, we are able to think ahead and figure out where to go to get somewhere, how many men to take to do something and how many bullets to take for our guns! I won’t even repeat that because it is so far beyond what you scum can understand you could never understand it.
I remember once when we were being forced to walk through a swamp in winter and all the creepy bugs and giant snakes were killing the other recruits around me. Our Ranger training actually allowed me to decide to walk OUT OF THE SWAMP and then try to start a fire to get warm. Although I could not get the fire started, I DID WALK OUT OF THE SWAMP. Just savor that a moment. The rest of you maggots would still be there trying to decide what to do.
I remember wiping the not-tears from my eyes and dreaming about large breaststs as the instructor tried to break me. Over and over again he would yell “this ain’t Sunday school little girl, stop crying, let go of my leg and finish making your bed!” He and I used that kind of man-talk to chide each other. Ranger School was four and a half days of pure hell!
Anyway, I graduated from Ranger School and anybody who says I was in the psych-ward is a goddamn liar. The SEALs; what did they do? They have some stupid little program that takes eight months, involves no sleep for a week, tests their human limits at every turn, they fight the ocean all day every day, become drown-proof, learn explosives, weapons, reconnaissance, tactics, Arctic fighting, jungle fighting, desert fighting, HALO, underwater infiltration, blah blah blah blah blah. Biiiiig Deal! It sounds like Girl Scout Camp.
Now remember, everything I tell you is absolute fact and does not involve any rumor or speculation. I know a guy who met a guy whose sister dated a girl who slept with a SEAL and apparently all SEAL’s are no good. THERE; anyone need any more proof? That just about settles the whole thing. I can personally attest to the fact that NO SEAL HAS EVER GRADUATED FROM RANGER SCHOOL because I read it on some breaststs addiction website! [All those internet stories of SEALs who did graduate from Ranger school are complete lies!] You know what else? No SEAL has ever completed Russian Spetznaz training, or graduated from Girl Scout Camp Indian Guide Week, or graduated from the DeVry College Stenography Program! N O N E !!
I also read somewhere that when the SEAL’s do their physical training they can have contestants from the American Ninja program to do it for them. Did you know that someone told me once that SEAL’s actually take make-up people and hairdressers when they go on a mission in case the press happens along? The SEAL’s all brag and make up things to make themselves look good, but the REAL tough guys in the Army Rangers and Delta Force are too professional to criticize other military services or act superior. By the way, did you know that Army Rangers actually captured Kim Il Sung of North Korea and he did not really die? It’s all classified but I can tell you it happened; it’s okay for me to disclose top secret information while clarifying how useless the SEAL’s are.
SEAL’s are nothing, they are scum, they are … ahhhh. Why is everyone talking about them! I got to lead a Military Police platoon for two days in Panama. Isn’t that just as good as all the covert operations the stupid SEALs have done over the past 30 years? I didn’t lose ONE man directing traffic; how many SEALs have been lost in Iraq and Afghanistan? I AM BETTER THAN ANY OF THEM! I SHOULD BE GETTING THE ATTENTION. Why do idiot civilians not come flocking to me to hear my wisdom and insight into world affairs, political issues and military doctrine? Ahhhhhhhhh. What is WRONG with all you people?
I read lots of things. I worked for a general in the Pentagon. I can counsel women on their sexual problems. I am a giant among historic world figures! Did you know that the local newspaper would not let me be a columnist? WTF? ME! Don’t they realize that anything I do and everything I say is perfect and always correct? Everybody is against me. I shouldn’t have to obey normal rules to get what I want. Nothing else matters but me and my views; screw those sanctimonious psychologists who tried to diagnose me. I know more about psychology than they do. Do you know that I have a brother who is an attorney but who knows less about the law than I do?” I told him that I had taken 4 credits of law myself and he paled, keenly aware that this meant I was smarter than he. God I hate you all, especially him. He thinks he is taller that I am but that is a lie, a lie, a lie. I am better than you all! Why doesn’t everyone acknowledge this! Why am I not on TV being interviewed. Why hasn’t that large breaststsed blonde walked by again?
I hate you all, I hate the SEALs. You’ll see, I’ll get my revenge! I AM NOT AVERAGE!
